Bittersweet Reality
by SternenDisaster
Summary: "We're able to help you, but you need to take the risk that you might die. And I also can't let you go that easily after telling you that. So what will your answer be?" Nakajima Atsushi starves for only one thing and that is survival. When he becomes Nakahara Chuuya's apprentice he realizes one thing. The mafia would be his death.
1. Cruel World

**A/N:** _This work is based on a prompt, which I found on Higuchi's Tumblr._

 _"Atsushi becomes Chuuya's apprentice instead of Dazai's."_

* * *

Walking on sand felt like walking on clouds, he believed. It was soft and cool, giving a nice calming effect on his feet. A luxury he believed to never get just mere days ago. Though in the end he did and he should be happy.

Except he wasn't.

Maybe if the situation was different, he would have been happy. Maybe if he wasn't thrown out of the orphanage, which was the only reason he survived his whole life, he would have smiled and laughed at the chance of getting something akin to freedom from that hell. But in the end he couldn't.

Because how could he be happy when he knew that he wouldn't survive? That he never again would be able to look at the sky above him, painted in gorgeous colors, always changing? Never again walk on this sand, that reminded him of clouds? Never live a life without being judged by someone for existing, being beaten to near death, just because he was crying? Or never again eating Chazuke, feeling secure?

Yes, he wished for freedom, for something that would let him escape his personal hell, but he never asked for that. He never asked for freedom, which would take his ability to enjoy it.

And with that he realized something.

With that Nakajima Atsushi realized that the world was a cruel place, not caring about fairness.

And sometimes, you need to fight fire with fire in order to survive. But was he able to throw everything he had away?

Then again, he had nothing.

* * *

Looking at the waves made him wonder how it would to drift away in them. Would it be scary? Knowing that every second he could sink and choke on those waves, ending his life? It felt scary, but as he thought more about it, other thoughts occurred.

Maybe he wouldn't choke. Maybe it would be peaceful, as if he would fall into an eternal sleep. Maybe it would end everything that broke him and was still breaking him. Slowly he stretched out his hand, wondering if he could reach the sea in front of him.

He wanted to try, to fall into an eternal sleep, forgetting everything. But then something caught his attention. It was drifting in the sea, colored black and brown. But he still couldn't figure out what it was.

Maybe it had some worth?

But then it wouldn't be floating in the sea, or? But what if it had? He would reget not taking that chance to make his survival true. Frustrated that he couldn't find a solution, he did the only thing he could think of.

Spring into the sea, trying get it.

In that moment Atsushi felt really stupid, but he was sure he would feel even stupider if he didn't spring.

* * *

It was slowly getting darker and Chuuya knew that if he wouldn't find his hat soon, he needed to wait until tomorrow and that bothered him even more. How did he even lose it in the first place? He wasn't as careless as normally, so why now?

"Where did it vanish to?"

He was looking at the sea in front of him, trying to remember where he was the last time before it vanished completely. With a sigh escaping his mouth, he turned around, wanting to leave the place. But then he felt something tuck on his coat.

"What?"

He was sure his annoyance could be hearn in his voice, as the boy shrieked once he spoke. But then he noticed something in the boy's hands.

His hat.

"Where di…," He stopped speaking as he noticed that the stranger's clothes - which looked thorn and a little dirty - and his messy chopped hair were soaking.

"You… You sprung into the sea didn't you?"

He took his hat into his own hands, proving his statement. Now Chuuya couldn't help but wonder why the boy would go as far as to spring into a sea. But as he wanted to ask said boy, he heard a growling sound coming from the boy's stomach. Suddenly he had an idea.

"As thank you for getting me my hat back, I'll treat you to something. How does that sound to you?"

The stranger's eyes widened and for a moment he stayed like that, but then he nodded eagerly. Chuuya couldn't help but grin at the boy's enthusiasm.

"Well, then let's go. I know a good restaurant. Ah, by the way my name is Nakahara Chuuya and yours?"

"N-Nakajima Atsushi."

Atsushi's voice was rather quiet and he couldn't hear his steps. Now where Chuuya thought about it, as the boy approached him, he didn't notice him. He needed to ask Atsushi about that.

* * *

The mafia member wasn't sure how take that. If Chuuya heard and seen correctly, the boy seemed like at the edge of starvation. So why did he only ask for a bowl rice with tea on it? Then again, Atsushi did seem pretty happy eating Chazuke.

After seconds passed, he decided to ask him the questions on his mind, which wouldn't stop bothering him since they arrived at the restaurant.

"I have a question, if you don't mind."

The boy shook his head, telling him to continue.

"Are you a trained assassin or something?"

The boy stopped eating, choking on his food and Chuuya hastily gave him a glass water. After Atsushi finished drinking it, he shook his head.

"N-no, I'm not. Why would you think so?"

Chuuya narrowed his eyes, Atsushi didn't sound very convincing. But shouldn't an assassin sound convincing?

"I almost can't hear your steps, also I couldn't sense your approach on the beach."

Atsushi narrowed his eyes, thinking for some seconds. But then his eyes widened once again.

"Oh, that…," He mumbled, looking down at the table.

"Hm?"

Chuuya's curiosity just grew larger at that.

"Y-you see, it's because of my former orphanage, that I'm so silent."

Orphanage? Suddenly Chuuya noticed the wirn down clothes, the lack of shoes and the state of starvation. Everything was like a puzzle, that almost was finished. Just one piece felt.

"An orphanage? But what would have to do with everything?"

The boy seemed to hesitate, clearly not comfortable with answering and Chuuya almost wanted to tell him it was okay, but then Atsushi spoke up.

"I tried my best to be as silent and unnoticeable as possible, to… avoid b-beatings."

And everything made sense by then. Chuuya closed his eyes, once again thinking about how cruel their world was.

But then something came to his mind, making even more sense.

"You said 'former', did you escape?"

"… No, they kicked me out, because of lack of place."

The brunette man knew that couldn't be the real reason, but Atsushi didn't seem to know the true one either.

"So you don't have anywhere to go?"

"No."

After some thinking Chuuya decided that he could at least ask Atsushi, but if he would accept was the question.

"I have a solution. My boss would probably accept you, since you seem to be as quiet as an assassin and with some training you could be better, but…"

Atsushi blinked, having not expected that, "But what?"

"… Atsushi, we're the mafia."

Suddenly the boy's face was as pale as snow, "E-Eh?"

"We're able to help you, but you need to take the risk that you might die. And I also can't let you go that easily after telling you that. So what will be your answer?"

* * *

He was looking at the table, standing on it was the bowl with Chazuke, but Atsushi didn't feel like finishing it. Not after hearing what he did. How was he supposed to react to that? Joining the mafia?

Was he really that desperate?

But could he even answer with no after what the other said. They would kill him!

He gripped his dirty hair, closing his eyes and wishing this to end.

But it wouldn't, because that was reality. Cold and cruel.

He might die, if he accepted … But he would die if he declined. And in the end… He had a better chance to survive if he joined the mafia.

But the mafia was a dark organization, they've killed countless of people and he probably needed to kill as well countless of people if he joined.

But wasn't he also bound to kill sooner or later even if he didn't join. After all he wouldn't be able to get a job. He simply didn't have the education for it. And without a job to survive would to be stealing.

And if he started stealing, he might one day need to kill.

Or he would commit suicide, but that would mean he would give up on surviving and he didn't want that. There was no way he could give up that beautiful sky, his hope. So in the end…

"I accept the offer."

… He couldn't avoid joining the world's twisted game.


	2. We Will See

They were walking in a rather dark building, some blood strains on various places. Atsushi couldn't help but think it was fitting for the mafia. He wasn't sure what he exactly excepted. Dead bodies? No, they would dispose of them as fast as possible.

After all they couldn't afford to be found out that easily.

"We're here."

Chuuya's voice brought him out of his thoughts and Atsushi looked in front of them, where a big and dark brown door was. Somehow just looking at the door made Atsushi feel anxious. What would await him there? _Who_ would await him there?

Slowly his hand gripped the door handle and he was about to open the door.

Then, suddenly, he noticed his heavy breathing and his loudly beating heart.

And he finally realized that he was about to join the _mafia_.

Without that he noticed, his hand let go of the handle and he breathed out. _He couldn't do it. He wasn't ready._

Why did he even agree? Because of survival? But would he even be able to survive in the mafia. _Probably not._

He wouldn't to, because every little mistake he might make, could cost him his life. _And he didn't have the experience to avoid mistakes._

"Why are you taking so long, Nakajima? Did you change your decision?"

 _'Yes,' he wanted to answer, 'I don't want to join.'_

But Atsushi knew better. It was too late now. He couldn't turn around now.

Even if he didn't want to join, he needed to.

And with these thoughts, Atsushi, once again, gripped the door handle and opened the door that time.

Turning around wasn't an option anymore, if he wanted to survive.

The orphan's companion smirked at the scared, yet determined gaze said orphan possessed.

'Maybe,' the brown haired man thought, as he walked in behind the boy, 'Maybe he would just fit right in.'

With that he closed the door to the office of the man, who held Atsushi's fate in his hands.

* * *

Mori looked up from his paperwork, as the door opened to reveal a white haired boy with very interesting eyes.

The color was a purple with a yellowish glow. But the most interesting thing about his eyes was the look in them.

The look screaming and starving for survival.

A smirk slipped on the mafia leader's face.

Perfect.

"Ah, Chuuya-kun. Nice to see you again, but who might this be?"

"A candidate for the mafia."

Mori raised his eyebrow, "Oh? Do you really think he fits in."

The leader waited for Chuuya's reply.

"Perfectly."

"We will see," he muttered as his eyes gazed at the boy who was shaking the whole time, looking around, _"we will see."_

* * *

Atsushi looked at the grown in front of him, wondering what would happen as next.

The room was dark and the only light there was a lamp on the table of the leader.

Seconds got by and the man finally looked up.

And Atsushi wished he didn't.

The aura he was met with, was too overwhelming that he could feel it pressing him down.

'... What?'

He looked around, searching for an escape route as he couldn't stop himself from shaking.

"Nakajima Atsushi."

His eyes landed on the grown's face, as he heard his name.

"You wish to join the mafia?"

'No,'he thought, 'no, I don't.'

Seconds passed by and he wanted to cry, scream and answer with no. But then he felt someone looking at him and his gaze wandered to the person.

Chuuya.

'Right,' he reminded himself, blinking, 'I'll die if I don't accept.'

"And?" The leader's voice echoed and Atsushi knew it was too late to turn back, to run away.

"I want to," He answered, his voice still shaking a bit.


	3. What I Deserve

**A/N:** _I'm currently so caught up in Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon ORAS, so of course I had to write stories for the fandom._

* * *

I don't want to join.  
 _I don't want to join._  
 _I don't want to join!_  
 ** _But... it's too late now._**

* * *

"Good, in this case we might already start with the exam."

"Exam...?"

Mori smiled at Atsushi's questioning tone, but the orphan knew better. The smile was anything but warm. It was a cruel message, telling him to refrain from asking further.

So he shut up and didn't say anything.

"Of course, Atsushi-kun," Mori replied, him smile seeming even creepier than before, "after all we need to see, if you're good enough."

Atsushi gulped, _good enough?_ What was that supposed to mean, how could he be good enough?

 ** _"You're useless."_**

He shacked at the memories. Could he even be good enough?

"Come on, Atsushi-kun. Follow me," Mori spoke to him, opening the door.

He followed, stricken with fear. Chuuya was behind him, and as he looked at his face, he could make out a frown. With that expression he continued to follow them, until he suddenly was beside Atsushi.

"Is something," he asked, his voice quiet.

 _He might kill me_ , or, _I'm just a bit scared_. He could literally have answered with everything, but for some reason he whispered the words, he thought he never would share with him.

"I'm useless."

Chuuya's brows shot up, as he realized what Atsushi said, but then he smirked confidently, "I doubt that. You'll see th-"

"No," Atsushi whispered a bit too harsh, "I'm useless. I always be, _nothing but a burden_."

He continued to follow the boss, until he realized that Chuuya wasn't walking anymore, so he stopped and turned around. The blue-eyed man looked at him with a expression Atsushi couldn't make out. And then he said something - it was silent, but Atsushi could hear it perfectly.

"Whatever they did you at that orphanage, you didn't deserve it."

Atsushi blinked, then his eyes widened, at the realization of Chuuya's words. How? How? _Was he that easy to read?_

"Are you coming," Mori's amused voice brought him out of his thoughts and he looked to him. Chuuya was still behind him.

"Yes," he said, surprisingly calm, "Sorry for stopping you."

And then they continued their way.

* * *

"Kill him."

They were standing in what was the interrogation room, Atsushi assumed. There was a man - looking extremely scared - in that room, sitting on the chair.

"...What?"

Mori's only response was, "You heard me correctly." Somehow Atsushi wanted to punch him into the face for that. Instead his eyes wandered to Chuuya. The man was looking at him with a cold expression.

 _"We're able to help you, but you need to take the risk that you might die."_

Somehow he couldn't help, but remember Chuuya's words. And then he sighed, his legs shaking a bit.

"H-how much time d-do I have," he asked, bitterly accepting the knife Mori held out for him.

"As much as you want," was the boss' response, but both knew it was a lie.

"I'll be waiting in my office, Chuuya will be observing you."

With that he turned around, and walked away with graceful steps.

After Atsushi looked at Chuuya, who only gave him a pointed look, and he walked to the scared guy, who still was shaking.

"H-hi," he mumbled, only to chaste himself. Why was he speaking with the guy? _He needed to kill him!_ _But could he... ?_

"P-please don't," a voice begged him. The man started crying, "Please don't kill me. I have a family! I can't leave them behind!"

 _I can't do this,_ he thought bitterly. Yes, he wanted survival, but at what price? He closed his eyes, holding the knife tighter. He should just accept his fate and let the mafia kill him.

He couldn't do this to someone. And Atsushi was anyways better off dying and rotting away. It was what he deserv-

 _"Whatever they did you at that orphanage, you didn't deserve it."_

Ah, right. Didn't Chuuya tell him that? The orphan blinked, suddenly he couldn't help but wonder about something.

"What did you even do to end up here?"

The man stuttered something in between sobs and Atsushi could only make out, _'sold'_ , _'fa'_ and _'i..e...'_.

He blinked again, "I can't understand you," he stated calmly, so he turned to Chuuya and asked him the same question.

"What the man did is not important," was the mafia member's only response, but for some reason it answered everything for Atsushi.

 _"Whatever they did you at that orphanage, you didn't deserve it."_

In only mere seconds he was springing at the man, stabbing the knife almost near his heart and continuing to stab him repeatedly.

 _"You didn't deserve it."_

The man sold his family for something illegal, probably drugs. But he probably didn't pay the money he should have.

Minutes passed by and he still continued to stab, but the screams slowly died down. Half of the ground was covered in blood, he was covered in blood and he was crying.

Suddenly he could feel a hand on his shoulder and looked up, to look into Chuuya's ocean colored eyes.

"Are you finished," he asked, hos voice oddly comforting.

"No," the orphan shook his head, tears still pouring down his face, "I'll never be." _The last stab was into the heart._

And he smiled bitterly, because everything made sense. The emotion on Chuuya's face, as he said those words. It was clear to him now.

 _Pity._

* * *

He was back in the office, starring at Mori's red eyes.

"Very well," the man said, a pleased undertone. He looked at him and something in his eyes shined.

"Chuuya will be your mentor," he simply stated and dismissed them, muttering something about, "Elise-chan." _His wife?_

Now Chuuya and Atsushi were standing outside.

"I'll show you your room, it's beside mine," there was something bitter and hateful in his tone. Atsushi was too tired to care.

They walked through the hallway, and then he said it to Chuuya, "I hate you."

The answer didn't come until he was in front of his room.

 _"I don't hate you."_

Atsushi didn't doubt these words for a second.

They were the only thing he was sure of, at the moment.


	4. The Dirt That Stays

He couldn't sleep that night.

At first, he tried. Laid on the bed after showering, wearing one of the pajamas he found in the closet. He closed his eyes, trying to calm down and rest, but whenever he did so he was reminded of the man he killed.

He still could hear his screams, still remembered the shade of the blood and how the handle of the knife felt.

That's when he ran to the bathroom, throwing the remains of his last meal out. His stomach hurt, he was shaking and he wanted everything to quite.

 _Why? Why did he kill the man? Why did he accept Chuuya's invitation? He shouldn't._ _No, no, no, no, n-_ He needed to calm down again. _It was too loud._

After calming down a half hour later, he felt oddly dull. _He killed someone._ He blinked, standing up to wash his mouth and hands. _He_ _killed someone._ The water was as cold as he felt, and it made him uncomfortable, but he couldn't stop washing his hands. Why again was he washing them? He looked at them, narrowing his eyes. They weren't dirty. Not one bit.

 _He killed someone._

And then he stopped, his sunset-colored eyes widening, as they starred at the dripping water in front of him and then his own hands.

 _He… killed someone._

Suddenly he saw red on his hands. It was familiar shade.

 _He took someone's life away, even though he loved living so much._

He inhaled sharply, as he realized, that the color was the same one as his victim's blood, which easily dripped of his hands, as he repeatedly stabbed him over and over a- He started to furiously shrub his hands under the water, trying to get that feeling away, trying to toss the memories away.

He hands were still dirty _, he was still dirty._

* * *

Somewhere in a dark office, a black-haired man laughed.

* * *

As the sun shined through his window, covering everything in light, he realized it was time to stand up. He wasn't a morning person and he rather would have turned away to continue sleeping, but there was something important on his mind.

Atsushi.

From that day on the boy would be his student and he his mentor. And frankly said, Chuuya was a bit curios. Especially since he still didn't know much about him, other than that he lived a rather abusive life until they met. It still made him wonder, how the boy looked at the world. After he had to have an interesting perspective of life, if his life was literally a hell.

Fifteen minutes later he stood before his pupil's door, knocking on it.

"Are you already awake?"

He was, if the sound of streaming water could be trusted. Then the sound stopped and he could hear steps, until they silenced and someone opened the door. Atsushi stood there, fully clothed with a weak smile.

And red hands.

For a moment Chuuya wanted to ask, but then he looked up and saw Atsushi's eyes. _Ah, that._ He remembered doing the same thing once, spending hours in a bathroom, trying to wash every sin away. _To clean himself._

But he was still dirty, and no doubt, Atsushi also would be still dirty, even if he washed his hands for years, trying to escape it all. It was too late.

"I'm sorry for making you wait," the boy mumbled, looking everywhere but at Chuuya. He had to change that later, the lack of confidence.

He shook his head as sign that it didn't matter.

"Follow me."

And with these words, both made their way to the training grounds.

 _He would kill for his admiration at life._

"Do you want to know how to deal with the dirt on your hands?"

Atsushi looked up, his eyes shining with a little shimmer of hope.

 _He would kill for his hope and determination._

"Accept it as part of you. After all it won't be the last time you kill someone.

 _He would kill for his naivety and complete lack of knowledge about the darkness of the world._

The boy looked again at the ground, hiding from Chuuya.

 _But he hated how the boy himself, wouldn't even kill for his own happiness._

Chuuya sighed, before he balled his hand into a fist and tried to punch the other. _He missed._

He missed because the boy who looked at him with wide eyes, took a step back, before he could land a hit.

 _He has good reflexes._ Chuuya thought, as he raised one eyebrow. _Though he could work on his stance, he might fall and give the enemy an opening, if he didn't._

Seconds passed and Chuuya smirked. "Huh, look at you, avoiding my punches. I have to change that; don't you think so as well?"

 **One Week Later**

 ** _Nakajima Atsushi_**

 ** _First report, Nakahara Chuuya_**

 **Ability:** _-_

 **Strengths:** _He has good reflexes and even more admirable stealth._

 **Weaknesses:** _He lacks confidence, his stance is terrible and he needs to gather more strength._

 **Other:** _Still doesn't weigh much, even though he consumes so much. Started to lie a lot._

As Chuuya starred at the last sentence of his report, he couldn't help but wonder, if he was the reason Atsushi started to lie. Seconds later he sighed, shaking his head softly.

"It doesn't matter now, does it?"

It did, but he didn't really want to admit it (It reminded him to much of the season autumn and cold, brown eyes).

"Nakahara-san!"

He turned around, irritated at the fact, that his pupil still called him be his first name.

"What?"

The boy blinked confused at his sour mood, until he noticed the papers in his mentor's hands.

"Ah! Did I stop you? I'm sorry, this can wait, so go o- "

"Just tell me what you need." The brown-haired interrupted him.

"I lost my key again," the boy muttered sheepish.

 _Not that again._

"How many times ne- "

Atsushi waved his hands. "I know, I know! I'm trying to not lose anything… Or to get lost."

Chuuya sighed again, then observed his pupil, as he explained what happened. One week passed and the boy still washed his hands repeatedly, so Chuuya gave him black gloves, to hid the red marks. But something changed in him – he regained his determination and started to develop another personality. A fake personality - just like _him_. He lied more, forgot more, got lost and behaved more childish. _Like him._

But unlike his former partner, the boy only smiled when he wasn't covered in blood. Covered in blood, as they found out during his second kill, he just stared emptily at the corpse. As if he was searching for an answer to something.

Chuuya wondered for what he really was searching.

* * *

After Chuuya couldn't help him, Atsushi walked away, still searching for his key. Mori would kill him if he didn't find it until evening. And he didn't want anyone to have a key for his room.

Suddenly he heard the sound of giggles.

"Are you searching for this?"

And Atsushi turned around to see a little girl with blond hair, playing with his keys. And he blinked.

"Ah, there they are."


	5. Dull

_Only four days passed, since he joined the mafia._

 _Only four days passed, since he killed someone._

 _He could still feel the blood on his hands, pouring across his skin and falling onto the ground. He could still hear the screams, begging for forgiveness. He could still remember the red, scary eyes lingering on him._

 _He hated it, despised it._

 _And yet, here he was._

 _Shoving a gun into someone's throat._

 _Only four days passed, since his first kill, but this was the mafia_.

 **\- Dull -**

 **Present**

"Ah, found them, " he mumbled, looking at the keys.

The girl was giggling and Atsushi knew he wasn't going to get them for free back.

"What do you want?"

She smiled brightly at him, "I want to play?"

"Play... ? Just that? Okay."

"Perfect!"

He wished someone told him earlier not to trust little girls with bright smiles and red dresses. He really did.

Because honestly, playing wasn't supposed to mean chasing a doll whilst avoiding knives. Where did she even get the knives?

Hours later, the game ended and he fortunately only had little injuries and got his keys back.

"Goodbye, _Atsu-nii-chan._ "

He shuddered. Something felt wrong about the way she said the nickname.

The nickname... _Wait, how did she even know his name?_

 **\- Dull -**

The man did nothing wrong.

Only that he was there at the false time, and saw too much.

And yet, Atsushi was holding a gun in his hands, with clear instructions to take that man's life. To take something that wasn't his.

His gaze wandered to Mori, who stared at him with a smile. The mafia boss was testing him.

 _Can you kill again?_

 _Can you kill someone who hasn't done anything wrong?_

Atsushi wanted to scream, 'No, he couldn't!'

But then he looked at his, which were washed countless times and now where hidden by gloves. It was too late.

He still could remember the red.

Then he heard a sigh and as he looked up, he could see his mentor looking to the side. Was he disappointed? Probably, he spent the last four days teaching him. This wasn't ebought, but it should have been. For at least on kill.

He looked back at the terrified man, whI was staring at him, his eyes silently begging.

Atsushi could see himself in that man. Sitting on the ground, beaten and bruised, begging the headmaster to stop.

Suddenly, he was very tired.

Slowly he put the gun into the man's mound. He felt sad, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to cry anymore. There weren't any tears left anymore.

And suddenly realization hit him, as the man started to cry and say things which were muffled by the gun.

 _It could have been Atsushi, sitting there._

A shot rang through the room, and he knew he killed someone else.

There was a horrible pain in his chest, but he couldn't figure out why.

 **\- Dull -**

 **POV: Chuuya**

"Well done, Atsushi-kun," said, before leaving.

 _He killed him._

"Come on, Atsushi. Let's get you cleaned and changed, " Chuuya said.

His apprentice walked to him, gun still in hand. Then both left the room. Neither cared about the blood and the parts of an once well-functioning brain.

"... Are you Okay?"

 _Something in the back of his mind, whispered to him, told him to ask._

"I-I'm fine," Atsushi stuttered.

He wasn't, really. Chuuya knew this from the beginning, from the moment he made that offer.

"Sure."

 _They didn't talk anymore._


	6. Moonlight

He roared through the night, his white fur shining gorgeous in the moonlight. He was a beast, but yet the prettiest being the brown-haired man has ever seen.

Chuuya was fascinated.

He never knew something so dangerous could be so majestic. Yes, the tiger moved and stroke with elegance hidden in his movements. He held his head high and his glowing, golden eyes had a deadly glint in them.

They were familiar somehow, but Chuuya couldn't grasp why, and yet he could feel something in him, screaming for the tiger.

Screaming for Chuuya to stop the tiger.

 _To stop A-_

-Bittersweet-

"What are you waiting for?"

It was a simple question, and yet Chuuya knew there was so much more to it. After all Mori was the one who asked, and he never asked something without a good reason, without gaining profit in a way.

"It's only a tiger, it should be easy to catch it."

It wasn't. And he knew Mori realized that as well.

"I tried, sir. But... I got distracted."

"Distracted? How?" Mori inquired, a dangerous smile on his face.

"He... his expression... his eyes... they looked human," he whispered, looking at the ground. Just looking at this beauty being in pain... it was horrible.

"Very observant, Chuuya."

He looked up, curiosity shining in his eyes. What did his boss mean.

"You aren't wrong..."

And somehow he couldn't breath for a moment, his thoughts were a mess.

 _"... the tiger is in truth a human."_

Everything stopped.

He left the office completely confused.

-Bittersweet-

"You still have the wrong pose! You'll only slip like that!"

"A-ah, sorry!"

Despite his rather annoyed mood, Chuuya had to smile at that. No matter how much the boy pretended to be someone else, in the end he still slipped up.

Atsushi was still Atsushi.

"Don't apologize the whole time!"

And he was still himself.

"So- Uh, I meant... um, so- wahh!"

His apprentice slipped and crashed on the ground, face down. Chuuya couldn't help the smirk, as he spoke the next words.

"Pay attention, Atsushi-kun."

"Y-yes! Nakahara-san!"

Chuuya held a hand out, and helped him up, once he took the hand.

"And no-"

All words left him, he couldn't speak, as he stared into the other's eyes. Lilac-yellowish eyes, which almost glowed golden in the light, of the lamp hanging on the wall.

 _Golden eyes. White hair (white fur)._

 _Human. Tiger. Human._

The time Atsushi joined, the time the tiger started appearing.

Chuuya felt so stupid, and for a moment he couldn't breath,think.But then - slowly and quietly - he could speak again.

"...You are the tiger."

-Bittersweet-

"You really like playing with them, don't you?"

Smiling at the blond-haired girl, Mori answered, "it's only slight teasing, Elise. "

Then he stood up and walked to her and glanced at her drawing. There was a tiger on it. A tiger wearing a hat.

"How accurate... oh, but what are those," he commented, pointing at a part of the tiger.

Elise chuckled a bit, before answering, "Silly, these are bandages of course."

"Ah, of course."

 _They couldn't forget the enemies' most interesting player._

-Bittersweet-

 _Notes: It's been awhile, sorry. Thanks for the kind reviews!_


	7. Snow

"... You are the tiger."

Atsushi looked in confusion at his mentor, quite unsure what to think.Tiger? Him?

"Nakahara-san? What are you talking about? Which tiger?"

Chuuya scoffed at him. "You know what I'm talking about. Stop pretending!"

Except that Atsushi didn't know, and those words were paining him, because he would never lie to Chuuya. With a hurt expression, he spoke up, "I'm not pretending! I don't know anything!"

With that he turned around and ran away, leaving a confused mentor behind, who has seen the hurt in his apprentice's eyes.

 **-Bittersweet-**

Staring at the spot where Atsushi stood before, Chuuya was unsure what to think. Suddenly, all the confidence from before was away. He was pretty sure that Atsushi was the tiger, and normally he would have ignored the other's denying of it.

But he was observant, and it didn't escape him, how hurt Atsushi seemed at his words.

Maybe... maybe he was wrong? No, that couldn't be it. There were too many hints pointing at it. But what was it then? And then a thought occurred to him, and suddenly he felt even more conflicted, despite it making sense.

Atsushi himself didn't know about the tiger.

 **-Bittersweet-**

"Ah, he is back, isn't he?"

Mori stopped writing, and looked at Elise, smiling slightly. "He should be, why?"

"... There is something I want to test."

 **-Bittersweet-**

Atsushi stood in some unknown hallway, looking at the ground. His hands were balled into fists. He didn't cry.

He couldn't cry, goddamnit.

He came so far, he has seen and done worser things. And he was still alive!

No, he couldn't cry, not anymore.

But he really wanted to cry, and it was getting harder to hold the tears back. He closed his eyes, sighing.

"... You're in my way."

Immediately, he opened his eyes, and looked up. A man a bit older than him. His dark eyes stared emotionless at Atsushi and he shivered. Who was thagt? Then he remembered the man's words and blushed, before stepping to the side.

"S-sorry," he mumbled, looking at the ground. The man didn't response and walked away. With a sigh, Atsushi decided to hid himself in his room and maybe try to catch some sleep.

On his whole way there, he couldn't forget about dark grey eyes and black hair with white tips.

He wondered what his name was.

 **-Bittersweet-**

After searching for countless hours, Chuuya was sure that Atsushi was in his room.

The only place he wouldn't walk in. At least not that evening. He knew Atsushi wouldn't appreciate it, and frankly, Chuuya's nerves wouldn't as well. He was simply too tired, too think straight and he needed to be awake for that conversation, or he could as well give up.

Dragging himself into his own room, Chuuya's thoughts drifted to the current rumours about a man with bandages trying to drown himself in a river.

No, not just some man. Almost everyone in the mafia knew him, especially Chuuya and his former subordinate.

Which should be back by now, and he wondered. He wondered how Atsushi and that subordinate would get along.

How Atsushi and that man would get along.

With a sigh he dropped to his bed, already changed into his nightwear.

He dreamed of white hair an sunset-colored eyes. Sunset-colored eyes that turned into glowing golden eyes.

 **-Bittersweet-**

The next morning was rather unusual and Atsushi wasn't sure what to think.

He was currently in Mori's office and uncertain what to expect. Normally, Chuuya was there whenever Mori wanted to talk with Atsushi, but today he wasn't and after what happened yesterday, whilst relieved, he was also a bit scared.

There were no words he could say, so he stared at his boss and waited.

"Atsushi-kun, I have a job for you."

Then there was knocking sound coming from the door, and the man from the day before walked in, dark grey eyes piercing through his soul.

Then Mori coughed - probably to gather their attention - and smiled.

"This is Akutagawa Ryuunosuke. He'll be your partner."

Looking at Akutagawa, Atsushi remembered a white sheet covering the ground in the colder months. If he remembers correctly, it's called snow.

He never got to see it or feel it, since the people at orphanage didn't let him go outside (and kept him in the basement the most time), though others always described it as soft, but cold.

And Akutagawa? He fit the description. At least for now.

"Are you going to stand there for the rest of the day?"

Slowly, he blinked before he glanced at Akutagawa. Then Atsushi smiled. Fake.

"Maybe."


	8. Cold Chocolate

The thing is, that he remembers a lot.

He remembers driving into a sea; everything getting heavier, as he desperately paddles around, an arm reaching out, and fingers weakly - for one little moment - touching soft black material. And the way he wanted to close his eyes and welcome the cold, that slowly turned into an unexpected warmth.

Then he remembers finally grasping that material and pressing it tightly to himself, as he returns to land, where his scrapped feet warm on the soft sand.

 _With a hat in his hands and water dropping on it, trailing down his clothes and hair._

Then he remembers eyes that are mirrors to an ocean in which he could drown and accept the sinking feeling that would turn into a lullaby, which would lure him into a never-ending sleep. And almost orange hair, that screams _fire, determination, will_ and _warmth_. He adores its color compared to his messy, dirty gray, that calls _worthless_ and _ugly_.

Nakahara Chuuya is stunning and he is captivated.

He shouldn't have let himself be caught that easily; it's a great mistake and he _regrets_ in a deep, bone-crushing way, that stabs him more than once in his _weak, weak_ heart.

Because soon his memories are replaced by the color red and everything is so wrong, so _disgusting_.

The remains of living beings decorate the walls in his dreams and his hands are red, _too_ red. Slowly, he starts to scratch them desperately, unable to get the color away and he feels like cutting them off, and burning them.

He wants to cry, but he doesn't know for whom, because the only thing he remembers are the brown, scared eyes of his first victim - and he knows, that he won't remember them for long. It pierces him in the stomach and he wants to throw up - because how could he _forget_? And really -

How could he forget to tell his teacher that he would be on a mission, accompanied by a silent man that looks like soft snowflakes and gentle dreams. The hot chocolate is the only thing missing, but apparently the world agrees with him - which is a bad thing, because he is insane, and his existence is already enough of a waste on air - because suddenly he is on the ground and he stares up at brown eyes, too knowing and yet too similar. The man is smiling at him and Atsushi feels like crying and throwing up all over again.

He has found the hot chocolate, except that the chocolate isn't as hot, if the dull coldness in the man's eyes isn't a show, and Atsushi wonders.

 _Wonders why the man is looking._

 _Wonders why he doesn't feel threatened even though he should._

 _Wonders why Akutagawa is silent and doesn't move._

Wonders why he didn't say goodbye to Chuuya that day and now he wants to laugh. Because finally he understands.

"Are you... spilled?"

The mug is broken and there is nothing to contain the warmth anymore.


End file.
